DUMB & DUMBER LLP: If Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels ran a law firm 50 things they might say*

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  1. "I haven't met a billable hour I don't like yet".
  2. “Strategy eats culture for breakfast"
  3. “All clients are equal-so lets treat them all the same”
  4. "Lets recruit the brightest & most creative talent-and then make them account for every 6 minutes of their day"
  5. " Lets benchmark-so we can copy our competitors"
  6. "If we stand for everything everyone is a potential client"
  7. “Debtors should be treated like fine wine-they get better with age”
  8. "Lets discount our fees to get in as much work as we can."
  9. "Instead of talking to our clients lets subscribe to all the benchmarking reports out there”
  10. “ Let’s invest in IT to make things happen quicker- but let’s keep billing by time”
  11. "Lets tell our employees to keep their remuneration confidential-while we share it with our competitors"
  12. "Once we get profitable, we'll go to work on our positioning."
  13. "Yes we know everyone fudges the numbers in their timesheets, but it is okay because the lies cancel each other out."
  14. "We regularly offer AFA’s – just yesterday we discounted our partner rack rates 20% across the board when a client threatened to kick us off their panel."
  15. "Let's devote more than 10% of firm resources to tracking time and 0% to understanding the value we deliver?
  16. “Staff feedback says we need some values around around here-quick get hold of that external consultant we use and ask him to shoot over a list of values we can select from”.
  17. "Our clients demand hourly rates"
  18. "Everyone follows business plans-no one follows dreams".
  19. "Lets go with the most modern management structure-a partnership"
  20. "Lets develop a reputation for being the cheapest lawyers in town rather than "they are expensive but so so worth it"".
  21. "We have an annual strategic retreat where all partners contribute to setting the aims of the firm …. fortunately other than those 2 days a year we don’t need to do any of that planning stuff the consultants go on about."
  22. “We set our hourly rates but we let our clients set the payment terms”
  23. "Lets divide each day into billable & non billable 6 minute intervals to inspire our people".
  24. " Lets do something our clients will love.......lets retrospectively price everything".
  25. "Lets have the same hourly rates as our competitors-that will differentiate us".
  26. "We are going to be different....but only a tiny wee bit different".
  27. "To help inspire our lawyers, we will email their weekly chargeable hours to the entire firm every Friday afternoon at 4.45pm."
  28. "Bad lawyers can make matters drag out for several years … so we only hire good lawyers-they can make matters last even longer."
  29. "Lets pretend to be collaborative but put in measurements & rewards to actively discourage same".
  30. "We will give clients a fee estimate, exceed it without telling them, raise the invoice on the last day of the month and then delay sending it until after it is due for payment?"
  31. "The big 4 accounting firms will not have any impact in the legal industry – just look what happened last time they tried; they won’t have learnt anything."
  32. " Of course we love travelling to see clients – it means we can charge them time for travelling, while phoning other clients and billing for that at the same time."
  33. "We have implemented a comprehensive project management tool; the quality of our time recording has gone up by over 7%."
  34. "Innovation?! Our clients don't want us to be innovative".
  35. "We are going to concentrate on being the most efficient law firm around-just not the most effective".
  36. “ Lets go for brand integrity but forget about pricing integrity”.
  37. “I don't care what is on their timesheets,I just want them in on time”.
  38. "Lets innovate....now who do you know out there that is doing something innovative we can copy?"
  39. "We sell time!"
  40. "Only lawyers know how to manage a law firm".
  41. "We only recruit young people who think exactly like we do".
  42. "Lets say we are a full service law firm".
  43. "Of course we are going to give you feedback-once per year".
  44. "Lets track time because nothing else matters"
  45. " Lets put each partner in charge of their own pricing"
  46. "We are never going to use anything in the Cloud-its too risky.Pass me my mobile please".
  47. "Let’s develop innovative technology systems to track time spent as efficiently as possible, but not for any other purpose."
  48. "Wherever possible, we will send as many lawyers to a meeting to maximise our overall hourly rate."
  49. "Let’s micro manage talented people with time recording and then wonder why we have a depression problem and high turn over?"
  50. "Our firm values work-life balance – we require 0.25 chargeable hours less per day than most of our competitors."

 

Maybe you have heard some other quotes from Dumb & Dumber LLP you would like to share? I would love to hear them.

 * with apologies to Jim & Jeff....even they wouldn't be so stupid to say most of these!